I talked about it everyday since that day, I feel as if nothing has changed. My life is still in crumbs, breaking every time I think about it, think about him or what my family has done. I have thought and fought over this many times. I know I need to stop thinking about it but I can’t help it, I never can. My mother keeps calling me a baby when all I do is miss my dead husband. I look down after I was done thinking and see my Doberman Allec, looking at me with a sad face.
“Hello, Allec I know you miss dad don’t you. I know I do” Allec barked at me so I let him out in the backyard. I closed the door and sat down in my chair, I grabbed my journal and started to write.
Today is the day Jullian died, I noted in my journal as I watched tears fall onto the paper. I kept writing until what was being written was no longer legible. I knew I would have to face the fact that he has been dead for a year, but I just couldn’t because he was my everything. I have no one, my family sees me as an outcast. I am the only one who has a college degree and makes 6 figures but no, I took the time to get the job I have now and I did wrong. What did I do wrong? I asked myself everyday when I was trying to get my degree. I never felt good enough, how could I when the only thing I have ever wanted to do was make them proud. That is all I have ever wanted to do. I tried to pick my pen back up to write down my feelings but I just cried when I saw Jullian written on it.
I saw my phone ring and it said Raylah Mckennen I answered. “Hello, Ray.” I say with a broken voice, tears still rolling down my face. “ Hey Paisley, do you know what kind of toy Asher-Bryant would want?” I pause wondering why she thought I would know such a thing when I never see him. “ I do not know, I have never met him and don’t think I ever will.” “You have never met your brother’s son,” she said as I rolled my eyes. “ I never talk to him or any other people in that god awful family” I hang up the phone and scream as loud as I can, my face ends up falling into my hands.
My phone rings again and I see it is my brother, I really do not feel like talking to him. I get mad with each ring, the more the phone rings the more anger I have. I threw the phone and started to curse. I pick up my pen and start to write once again. Jackson knows what he did but he would never tell, I was there and saw it. I see now that he did it just so he could be mothers favorite but he knows he will never reach Allison’s level. I kept writing and now my hands are hurting from how hard I am holding the pen. I let go of the pen and saw the bloody mark I created with my nails. Tears still fall from my face and I let it drop, drops start drying on the paper when I decide to put the journal away.
I look at the calendar and see all the plans I do not have, I think and think until I realize what I could do. I thought about everything and my very last thought was the best one I could come up with. I pick up my phone and start dialing, 904-858-6215.I hear her answer the phone and she says “hello, this is Kaiyah Draysley” my heart drops and I say “Hello this is Paisley Byers, from college.” I paused waiting for a response, I heard her gasp. “Morgan” she yells out, I laugh “You still call me by my middle name I see.” She laughs “Do you still have a problem with that?” I pause yet again thinking “You are the last person who is alive that will talk to me who calls me by that name.” We both stopped talking, it was a long pause before we both ever decided to speak again. “ So Paisley, what did you call me for? I haven’t seen or talked to you in years. What makes you want to talk now?” I didn’t know what to say, My heart started to beat faster when I decided to say something. “I know I haven’t been a good friend for the last 5 years but what I don’t know is how I got here in life. My husband is dead, my family won’t talk to me and I have no friends that will speak to me but you. My heart hurts and all I want is to have a good Christmas and I can not do that by being alone. I can not deal with everyone putting me down when all I try to do is pull them up.” I said, trying not to cry. “ That is life for me and you and it always has been. I am sorry to say that Morgan but if you didn’t want to get hurt then you wouldn’t have fallen in love.” I stop to think about what she has said and my mind is just racing with all the truth she told me. I go to talk and she starts before I can. “The best way to not get your heart broken is to pretend that you don’t have one.” I know, I know, I know. I say it in my head, she used to tell me this all the time and I am not on this phone call to get lectured about this. “ I know Kai, now please stop telling me. I love you as much as I love reading and drinking coffee. I just wanted to know if you could come up and spend Christmas with me.” It felt like it took her hours to answer me “ I would love to.” She paused yet again and said “ It is hard to turn the page when you know someone won’t be in the next chapter. But the story must go on. I know you can get better and now I will be there to help you.” I sent her my address and told her to be here by christmas, she said okay. I hung up the phone and I grabbed my coffee. Wondering what my life has come to. My mind was still racing when my thoughts began to stop. I remember today was publishing day for work, I knew I was going to get a call that they loved the book I was writing and they would want me to work with me as a forensic journalist.
I waited for a few hours then I wanted to but I had to see what they would say about my writings. My phone goes off and I answer it without looking at it and that was the worst thing I could have done. “Hello, Paisley Bryers speaking” There is no one speaking on the other line when all of a sudden I hear “ Sister, I just wanted to let you know that yet again you are not invited to the christmas dinner.” I boil in anger “Just because I might talk big, Might walk like I own the world, or even act as if I sit on a throne Jackson. It doesn’t mean I am not trying, I am here to make something of myself. Not here to be put down by the people I thought loved me, but at this point I only see you as the people who gave me a home, a place to live with water and food because you no longer have my love. I hate you. I always will and have no way of fixing it and never want to” I hang up the phone and throw it. I see now that I really need to block their numbers. All I have ever wanted was my family to like me, treat me like I am one of them. I see that it will never happen so I am just out of luck at this point. I can try over and over again to fix this but they will never try themselves so there is no point in trying if it wont work.
I got up and went back to working, I realized that I don’t need them to make more money. I can do this myself. I worked day and night for the next week until I finished book two called Court of the queen in my series Unhinged stars. After I was done I heard a knock at my door, I opened it and it was Kaiyah.
“ Come on in.” I said to her, she walked slowly into my huge house.
“ Oh my, this house is beautiful. Is this one of the ones you designed in College?” I paused wondering how she remembered that, My mind stopped racing and I got the strength to say something.
“ Yes and no, Jullian had some help with this. He designed the garage and the attic.”
We stopped talking and put her stuff in the guest room, we watched movie after movie. We had fun. Went out for coffee and bought some books. That was the end of our Christmas but I am just happy we had fun.
